The good news and the bad...

The good news is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, so says the blood work!!! That's wonderful considering just days ago the nurse said that I might have a clotting disorder. Turns out, she had gotten the values confused, when in reality, I tend to bleed more than usual. My OB said that the values were only slightly elevated, but thinking back, it could account for the nose bleeds that I have had all my life. So that's good. It means that I don't have to worry unnecessarily about a stroke. It also means that I don't need to take baby aspirin or Heparin while pregnant!

The bad news is that there is nothing wrong with me. That means that, as of now, there is no medical test to find a reason for my losses. She said that she wouldn't do any treatment unless I continued to have miscarriages. She did say that a patient of hers has suffered numerous (at least 6) and her values are all normal, like mine. She has started her on aspirin and Heparin in case there is some disorder that they are unable to diagnose. She said that 10 years ago they never even did the testing that she did on me. So, it stands to reason that in another 10 years they might find something wrong with me that would explain everything.

So now the plan is to try again. Hope for the best and have faith that there will be another addition to this little family. I don't know how soon we will be ready for that, but for now Craig and I are thankful to God that everything has come back normal.

Our Journey Begins

It has been over a week now since my second miscarriage, or as they call it, chemical pregnancy. Craig and I are doing better this time around for some reason. After doing some research online, I felt better about all the possible outcomes. I had found that it was possibly due to hormone levels. That seems like no big deal. Something that we can supplement and I would be fine.
So, when my doctor came in she hugged me and shook Criag's hand. She is that most warm, caring physician I have ever had. She is the reason that I continue to drive over an hour to her office instead of finding a doctor closer. When she delivered my son, SHE THANKED ME for letting HER be a part of that special moment in our lives. What doctor says that? I will never forget it.

She quickly sat down and started listening to me and answering my questions. I had written down all sorts of questions and, of course, I left the paper at home. She then laid out the options. Option one was to try again before proceeding with any testing. Her reasoning is that, statistically, I should have no problems with my next 5 pregnancies. Another options is that my uterus may have positional problem, but she didn't feel it was that because I already have a healthy child. She said that I can start progesterone as soon as I get a positive test and maybe that would help sustain the pregnancy. Maybe there have been chromosomal defects, but she didn't think it was that because, again, we have Hayden. And finally, she said that there was a possibility that I have a clotting disorder. That would be rare because of a previous birth, but it's possible for it to develop. If that's the case my body would clot off any starting pregnancy and remove it.

I informed her that I am the type of person that likes to be armed with as much information as possible. I don't want to take another chance on the hurt of losing another baby. So, I will now become a guinea pig. I will go in next week for testing. We opted to not do the Chromosome testing because of the cost (it's probably not covered by insurance) and since we already have Hayden. The testing results will take about two weeks and hopefully we will have some idea of what is going on. She did warn us of the possiblity that there is NOTHING wrong. Then it all comes down to we simply had a run of bad luck and if we got pregnant again, it would all be fine.
So, now I pray that God gives me peace and patience through this process. I pray for some answer. I told my doctor that if we did discover a problem and I can't carry another child, that we would adopt. I would still feel like my family was complete if we adopted. I would love to carry another child again, but if that's not in God's plan that maybe he will bless us with a child through someone else. Either way, a child is a blessing!

I do thank the Lord for this journey because I know that the process will teach me something and that it will make me stronger. I firmly believe that your past makes you who you are today. The journey may be difficult at the time, but in the end, it's worth the struggle.

God's Delays are not Denials.

That's what was on the sign at the church where Craig and I have started going. It brought both a tear and a smile. Sometimes I have to say, quietly to HIM, "I get what you're saying, Lord." I think that with me he has to knock on the door a little more loudly than he does others. I know He has a plan for us. I know He doesn't want us to be unhappy. I know He won't give me more than I can handle, although I think God has more faith in me than I have in myself.

The nurse called me today and said the values were not good. My HCG was 9, should be 20+, my progesterone was 1.9, should be 15+. She explained that it's what they call a "chemical pregnancy" and that if I hadn't taken a test, I wouldn't have even know I was pregnant. I disagree. Call it what you will, I know my body. I know when I'm pregnant. And I was four days late "starting my period". I'm never late.

So now we begin a new journey-one that I didn't think we would travel down, but one we must none the less. February 4th I will go in to see my OB and we'll discuss all our options and ask a multitude of questions. Craig is going with me. I'm sure that I won't be able to relay all the information that she gives me alone, so he opted to take the day off from work so that we can be together while we seek some answers as to why I can get pregnant, but can't stay pregnant.

I don't blame God; I'm not mad at him. I don't, for a second, believe that He did this to us or allowed it to happen. My faith is just as strong and if anyone would ask me why, I would say because I know. I know without seeing Him. I know without seeing it that Oxygen is in the air I breathe; Gravity holds me down. I know that He is here with His arms wrapped around me, giving me comfort and peace. I know because I feel peace. I feel comforted. I know, because, for me, he knocks pretty loudly.