Big Boy Bed

So today I talked Craig into changing Hayden's crib into a big boy bed! The last few days when I have gone in to get Hayden out of his crib, he has been trying to climb on the front rail. I guess that's not always a sign that he's ready, but I am so afraid that he will fall off the rail onto his head.

After Hayden's nap Craig went in to start the process and Hayden seemed so excited. I know he didn't know what was going on, but he had fun jumping on his mattress and "helping" daddy take apart the crib. Once it was all put together, he crawled into it and pulled the covers up over himself. It was so cute. It left me wondering what tonight was going to be like.

When it comes time to get ready for bed we always read a few books. We usually say prayers on the floor pillow and then put him in his crib. But tonight, once we were done reading, he ran to his bed and we said prayers with him under the covers!

So now I am listening to the monitor just 5 minutes after leaving him in his room. I hear nothing but the music box. Could this really be? Will it be this easy every night? Or is he in there playing VERY quietly?

Now I must fight back the tears because I know that this is one more step that he must take in life and it just reminds me that he will only be little for so long. And that won't be much longer.

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God's Delays are not Denials.

That's what was on the sign at the church where Craig and I have started going. It brought both a tear and a smile. Sometimes I have to say, quietly to HIM, "I get what you're saying, Lord." I think that with me he has to knock on the door a little more loudly than he does others. I know He has a plan for us. I know He doesn't want us to be unhappy. I know He won't give me more than I can handle, although I think God has more faith in me than I have in myself.

The nurse called me today and said the values were not good. My HCG was 9, should be 20+, my progesterone was 1.9, should be 15+. She explained that it's what they call a "chemical pregnancy" and that if I hadn't taken a test, I wouldn't have even know I was pregnant. I disagree. Call it what you will, I know my body. I know when I'm pregnant. And I was four days late "starting my period". I'm never late.

So now we begin a new journey-one that I didn't think we would travel down, but one we must none the less. February 4th I will go in to see my OB and we'll discuss all our options and ask a multitude of questions. Craig is going with me. I'm sure that I won't be able to relay all the information that she gives me alone, so he opted to take the day off from work so that we can be together while we seek some answers as to why I can get pregnant, but can't stay pregnant.

I don't blame God; I'm not mad at him. I don't, for a second, believe that He did this to us or allowed it to happen. My faith is just as strong and if anyone would ask me why, I would say because I know. I know without seeing Him. I know without seeing it that Oxygen is in the air I breathe; Gravity holds me down. I know that He is here with His arms wrapped around me, giving me comfort and peace. I know because I feel peace. I feel comforted. I know, because, for me, he knocks pretty loudly.

Take Two

Just three days ago I learned that I am pregnant again. I am so excited and want to run right out to get a journal for this baby, but I must resist the temptation. With the last baby, I purchased a journal, marked the weeks on my calender and made an appointment with the OB only to miscarry 5 days later. I am so scared that even discussing it will jinx the whole thing.
Of course, the doctors office tells me that statistically I should be fine, but that doesn't stop the worry. I know in my heart that God has plans for our family and that He is in control.

So, if all goes well, we should be expecting this little one around the end of September, first of October. That means it's going to be a long, hot summer. That's ok; it's all worth it!

Craig is excited too. I wanted to tell him in a creative way so I typed a letter from the stork and put it and the test into a padded envelope. I addressed it to him and put "special delivery" on the outside. I called him when he was on his way home and asked him to pick up the mail because I had forgotten. When he got to the house, he said to me "I don't know anyone from PA, do you? It's probably anthrax!" He didn't even recognize my handwriting! It took him a moment to figure out what was going on. It was so funny; I just wish I had video taped him.

All in a day's work...

So I must do a little more bragging because I am so proud of my little guy. Not only did Hayden say "thank you" today, but he also just said "blue". Granted he was pointing at a spoon, but it was a blue spoon so it might be that he was trying to say spoong (which he has said before). But I choose to believe that my teaching him colors is finally getting through.

And finally, against daddy's wishes I got Hayden a sing-along-with-elmo (the one where elmo has a microphone and sings about 12 different songs). Well today he also said "Elmo". Not once, but twice! WOO HOO!!!

Thank You

He said it! Well, actually it came out more like "tank youuuu", but he said it! I was in the kitchen making eggs and toast and here he comes with the remote. He knows he's not supposed to get the remote, so he always brings it to me.

My mom always said that once I started talking, I wouldn't stop. So, I say, let the talking begin!

Beautiful Night

Twice daily I trudge down to the barn. I say trudge like it's a burden, but really to me, it's a privilege. I have had a horse for 6 years and only in the last three months have I been able to get up, walk outside and see him right there in my own pasture. Things slowed down for me when those horses got here. Watching them lifts my spirits, yet calms me at the same time.

Last August was really hard; there are times that I still struggle. I really needed something to take my mind off of things going on in life. I just wanted so badly to be able to sit on the front porch and watch them grazing. To hear them munching their hay. They are amazingly beautiful creatures. Time stands still when I'm around them. Tonight was no different. I took my phone with me so that while I was feeding I could play some music. On my way back to the house I stopped at the gate and looked up at the stars and moon. The song "I can only Imagine" by Mercy Me came on. It really took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. I was looking at the beautiful night sky and was thinking to myself how anyone can deny HIM. How can anyone deny HIS creation? The beauty that is there astounds me. It was quiet, as most nights seem to be. Occasionally you will hear some coyotes in the distance, but many nights there is not a sound. I know that in the summer it will be different, but I have never heard such stillness. It's amazing. And created by HIM.

Dizzy... I'm so dizzy my head is spinning.

I absolutely love to watch Hayden play "pretend" and if I had better internet you could watch it too. The latest think that had me in stitches was his "dizzy baby". Craig was spinning in the chair with Hayden the other day and Hayden just thought it was so funny that he was having trouble walking. You know that feeling. Like the whole room still has to catch up with you. Well, last night he wanted me to spin around in the chair with him. So I did. I only made about three revolutions and let him down. There is no way he could have been dizzy, but to watch him, you would never know it. He fell over laughing. Then, he got up, leaned over for a second and then THROWS himself down on the floor and rolls over on his back. This went on for a good 10 minutes, long after any affects of the spinning should have worn off. I even had enough time to get the video camera this time and catch the little faker in the act.