God's Delays are not Denials.

That's what was on the sign at the church where Craig and I have started going. It brought both a tear and a smile. Sometimes I have to say, quietly to HIM, "I get what you're saying, Lord." I think that with me he has to knock on the door a little more loudly than he does others. I know He has a plan for us. I know He doesn't want us to be unhappy. I know He won't give me more than I can handle, although I think God has more faith in me than I have in myself.

The nurse called me today and said the values were not good. My HCG was 9, should be 20+, my progesterone was 1.9, should be 15+. She explained that it's what they call a "chemical pregnancy" and that if I hadn't taken a test, I wouldn't have even know I was pregnant. I disagree. Call it what you will, I know my body. I know when I'm pregnant. And I was four days late "starting my period". I'm never late.

So now we begin a new journey-one that I didn't think we would travel down, but one we must none the less. February 4th I will go in to see my OB and we'll discuss all our options and ask a multitude of questions. Craig is going with me. I'm sure that I won't be able to relay all the information that she gives me alone, so he opted to take the day off from work so that we can be together while we seek some answers as to why I can get pregnant, but can't stay pregnant.

I don't blame God; I'm not mad at him. I don't, for a second, believe that He did this to us or allowed it to happen. My faith is just as strong and if anyone would ask me why, I would say because I know. I know without seeing Him. I know without seeing it that Oxygen is in the air I breathe; Gravity holds me down. I know that He is here with His arms wrapped around me, giving me comfort and peace. I know because I feel peace. I feel comforted. I know, because, for me, he knocks pretty loudly.